The Redemption Story: Why We Keep Repeating the Same Relational Patterns & Hoping for a Different Outcome
Have you ever watched a friend date the same kinds of people over and over again and thought to yourself, “When will they ever learn?" They say they’re looking for “The One” but end up reliving the same issues as their last relationship, and the one before that and before that…
Or do you even notice these patterns in yourself? Find yourself stuck in the same vicious loop, all the while hoping for a different outcome.
This pattern, sometimes referred to as a “redemption story”, is a psychological phenomenon that has to do with what feels familiar to our nervous system. Our earliest relationships, especially with caregivers, shape how we understand love, trust, safety, and closeness. If love in childhood felt conditional, we might grow into adults who chase validation or fear abandonment. If we had to “earn” attention or walk on eggshells to avoid conflict, we might find ourselves drawn to partners who replicate that same emotional unpredictability. Even painful or dysfunctional patterns can feel oddly comforting when they mirror what we’ve always known. It’s not that we consciously choose suffering; rather, we simply gravitate toward what feels emotionally recognizable.
These relational patterns create blueprints for what feels like love to us later in life. Even when we consciously know that a particular type of relationship doesn’t serve us, something deep inside often pulls us back toward the familiar. It’s as if our subconscious is trying to replay an old story — hoping that this time, the ending will finally be different. Our behaviors are often driven by an invisible or unconscious belief, from deep deep down, that if we can finally make this person love us, stay with us, or understand us, it will ease the pain of our earlier experiences.
We might think, “This time I’ll finally be loved unconditionally,” or “If I can fix this person, maybe it means I was never unlovable to begin with.”
This unconscious repetition, often referred to in the therapy world as “unfinished business”, is a psychological drive to revisit old wounds over and over again in an attempt to master them. In other words, we replay the same story with new characters, hoping for a better ending. However, in addition to being attracted to partners who mirror previous dynamics, we also recreate and perpetuate our own dysfunctional behaviors. We even begin conflating current and past wounds, which escalates the pain even more. We seek closure or resolution from these wounds, but oftentimes don’t have the tools needed to create a different outcome.
Through therapy, we can finally break the cycle. Over time, and deep relational work, you can unlearn these old narratives and create new ones. As cliche as it may sound, it’s true that awareness is the first step toward change. When we begin to identify the patterns we’ve been repeating, we can start to make conscious choices instead of reactive ones. This is where therapy — whether individual or couples work — can be incredibly powerful.
In therapy, you can:
• Explore your early attachment patterns and understand how they influence your current relationships.
• Identify triggers and emotional responses that stem from old wounds.
• Mourn & grieve what we didn't have in the past so that we can release the pain and be open to the present and future connections.
• Learn new ways to communicate, set boundaries, and connect that feel both safe and authentic.
• Rebuild a sense of self-worth that isn’t dependent on repeating old dynamics.
Through this process, you write a new story — one that isn’t dictated by your past, but guided by your present awareness and values. We’re able to break out of these repetitions of drama and trauma and instead create invitations to heal.
If you’re ready for a different ending to your story, it may be time to do a deep dive in therapy to unlearn the patterns that no longer serve you and create new ones that finally do.
